Why Everyday Sexism Should Matter To You

I want to share what I’ve experienced, a sort of report if you will, in sharing my stories about childhood sexual abuse, my experiences as a female human, and the responses from men. All of these examples are on my public Facebook wall or Twitter.

I want you to read these, and I want to hear what you have to say.

Before we start though, you have to watch this amazing video by John Oliver on Internet Sexism because he says it all. You can just stop reading and cruise around his YouTube channel for awhile. It’s cool. I don’t mind.

CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

No explicit info here, so no trigger warning required. As most of you may know, I’m an author. I’ve written two books about CSA, Broken Pieces and Broken Places, published by Booktrope. Both have won awards and are bestsellers on Amazon. I’m now the director of the Gravity Imprint for Booktrope, bringing others’ stories of trauma and recovery (fiction and nonfiction) to life. All amazing and I’m beyond honored to be in this position. I also created #SexAbuseChat on Twitter (join us any Tuesday, 6pm PST) with Bobbi Parish, survivor and certified therapist.

I share occasional snippets from my work on social media. This is a great way to not be all, ‘Buy my book!’ spammy, while still offering a glimpse, and if someone wants to purchase my work they can go to my bio where I have conveniently placed a link. When I shared this quote, from my latest memoir, Broken Places:

I received this response from a fella named G: You need to get over it.

I responded: Who is to say that writing about it doesn’t mean I’m not over it? And what if I’m not? That’s my business. Minimizing it shows a lack of compassion on your part. That line is from my latest release, which is memoir, meaning where I was at that time. Writing about our abuse is how we share and create community.

Now, I’m not proud of myself for getting defensive, so I’ll put that right out there. I am human. What I find very interesting here, however, is two-fold:

1) not one single woman has ever made a comment to me like that, in the four years since I released my first Broken book, but the other even more fascinating point, that I’m really digging deeper into is,

2) why does discussing abuse mean I’m not over it? Why does one have to equal the other? And even if I’m not ‘over it,’ (ever hear of PTSD?), why should that affect a stranger, a man who knows nothing of me personally except for this snippet I shared on social media?

I’m curious why there is this dismissive minimizing of survivor’s pain. What does that mean in the scope of our humanity?

This has occurred with SO many men on the daily on my social media (and with so many other women), I could make this section pages long. I imagine it’s because I’m not afraid to discuss sexism, or feminism (that scary advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men — gasp!), or racism…as my friend Naomi says, maybe it’s the red hair. I don’t know.

I do know this: [share ]It’s a dangerous dance between fragility and strength many survivors balance daily[/share]. Compassion keeps us upright. That’s all I wish for anyone.

(I do feel the need to address the good men out there — there are many good men like many of you reading this, and I acknowledge that not all men, that most men are not like this. This article isn’t about you, the good men. I know you respect women and wouldn’t say these things. I have good men in my life, too, who are just as horrified at these comments. I feel you and thank you for being the honorable humans you are.)

Where does this derisive marginalization come from? Why do some men feel they are better than women, particularly in light of the fact that they were all birthed by woman?…but that’s so Freudian I’m afraid we’re getting into cigar territory here.

MANSPLAINING

Most people have heard this term but aren’t quite sure where it came from. I happened upon a wonderful article by Rebecca Solnit, feminist author and brilliant human, in Guernica Magazine — a thought-provoking piece she wrote back in 2008 titled, ‘Men Explain Things To Me,’ updated in 2012. I shared this piece on my Facebook wall and was promptly mansplained by a fellow named L, who took this article personally, apparently, explaining *cough cough* what is wrong with the piece and with Solnit’s sharing of her experiences.

L: My problem with blogs like this, and with the invention of new words like ‘Mansplaining’ , ‘Manterrupting’ and ‘Bropriation’ is that there is a huge logical gap between encountering arrogant males, and the concept of ‘male arrogance.’ Everybody (not just women) have to deal with arrogant males, interruption by males, and appropriation of ideas by males. But guess what — everybody (not just women) also have to deal with arrogant females, interruption by females, and appropriation of ideas by females. You can’t tarbrush the entire genus based on the actions of some members of the genus.

Me: Solnit has every right to share her experiences, and does an admirable job of saying that it’s ‘some men,’ not all men. What I see lacking here from most men who respond to this article (and the reaction, save one, has been defensive) is a distinct lack of empathy for what many women experience on the daily. This DOES happen and it DOES suck. Why is that so difficult for men to accept? Not all men do this, I agree. It’s not a competition. Yes, jerks exists in both genders. That’s not the point of her article.

He further explained: I am not dismissing Rebecca‘s experiences. I am pushing back against the invention of a new Lexicon that attempts to describe this behavior as an attribute of male-ness. That’s unfair to the entire genus, the majority of which would not behave this way.

I hope that’s clearer now?

Me: Did you just Mansplain, L? #irony

Here are some great articles to read if you’re L, or any guy who needs to understand that maybe, just maybe, we females don’t think that every guy is sexist (though when trying to prove you’re not a sexist human, mansplaining what mansplaining is or is not to a woman might not be the best place to start — ya know, for future reference):

8 Things Some Asshole Says in Every Debate About Sexism via Cracked by Luke McKinney

Getting Called Out: Why Acknowledging Oppression Matters More Than Your Hurt Feelings by Erin Tatum

QUOTES BY FEMALES

I shared this quote just last week by Indra Nooyi, the female CEO of Pepsi:

and it was shared over 25 times. On one of those shares, D, a male friend of a friend, called out her quote as ‘stupid’ because it was:

D: Too optimistic. But I can get behind, “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity”, though (Hanlon’s razor).

I suggested that perhaps he should consider the source, given her success.

D: Nope. My viewpoint on ideas doesn’t change based on their source.

Okay, then.

I shared this quote by Ayn Rand: “The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” and five men scoffed with ad hominem attacks on her personal life and her looks.
Coco Chanel (liar and ugly),
Anne Sexton (boring),
Sylvia Plath (spoiled rich girl)…it goes on.

Nine out of ten times I post a quote by a female writer, guys comment (usually, with false information or assumptions) on the writer’s looks or personal life. Point is, I don’t remember needing male permission to post quotes by female authors and poets.

Oh right, I don’t.

My Own Quotes

If you know anything about social media, you may know that visuals get like, a lot more shares and retweets (okay, 94% more) than non-visuals. I usually use ReciteThis, and now I’m liking a new one so easy by Buffer even a monkey can use called Pablo by Buffer. I love it because in thirty seconds, you can take a quote, add it to a royalty-free pic they provide, even add a book cover or logo, and violá! Instant graphic.

So, I shared a snippet from a meme I created: #WriteWhatScaresYou — I coach writers on this as well — and a fellow I’ve never interacted with before says:

J: It’s odd to quote and meme yourself. #justsayin

Me: Well, considering that this is for my business, not so odd. I coach authors to write what scares them. Thank you for your input.

J: You’re not understanding me. I don’t like it. I don’t think it’s a good thing. You shouldn’t do it.

Well, since he doesn’t like it or approve, that’s all that matters, right? At this point, a girlfriend saw this public conversation and spoke up.

Her: Do you know that Rachel is a Huffington Post blogger and writes marketing articles for authors? That she is well-respected and a best selling author? She also created one of the most popular memes on Twitter, #MondayBlogs. It’s like telling Picasso how to draw, dude.

J: Huh?

Her: My point exactly.

(It’s lovely having friends who have your back and make you feel fancy.)

Another example:

I received a message the other night from a right-wing conservative republican Christian (according to his bio) male:

Him: You’re gorgeous!!!!

Me: I’m here to advocate for sex abuse survivors and as a professional author, share my work.

Him: A thank you would suffice. Geez, girly, can’t you take a fuckin’ compliment? Fuckin’ feminists.

Sigh.

SEX ABUSE CHAT

So many inappropriate comments from people who ignore the hashtag, don’t know that a chat is a chat, or throw in their two cents completely off topic, etc. The most egregious are the men who demand that the chat be private, because discussing abuse on a public forum is “embarrassing” or “inappropriate,” as if survivors have done something wrong. (Don’t even get me started on the man, a professor, who told me American women should ‘stop whining and be thankful for ‘a little bit of rape’ that happens on college campuses, because that’s nothing compared to what happens in the Middle East or Africa.’ I know.)

The entire point of having a public Twitter chat is to remove the shame and stigma associated with childhood sexual abuse! CSA knows no boundaries, and it occurs, sadly, to both genders (1 in 4 girls, 1 in 6 boys before the age of 18, and 90% know their abuser — Source, RAINN.org).

We need to recognize that the need to explain ourselves is closely related to our desire for approval ~ Bobbi Parish

Gosh, that explains so much, doesn’t it?

POSITIVITY

My goal, in sharing many of my quotes and articles, is to show that while trauma sucks, recovery doesn’t. It’s a beautiful, positive way to help others while helping myself, to show those who are struggling there is a light. I receive so many wonderful messages from both genders that my words have helped them in so many ways, and that warms my heart. It’s been the most surprising and heartwarming part of this strange trip.

Just last night, in fact, as I was about to fall asleep, my phone buzzed. It was a DM from a lady who read my above quote about compassion. She thanked me for sharing that little bit of consciousness, because she was ‘having a wobble, and your quote set me back on the straight path. Your words matter.’ I cried a little bit at that.

Makes up for all the shit, doesn’t it?

For every person who slams me down, I thank them in my heart, sincerely, because they reaffirm that I am on the right path, because even a negative reaction is creating an emotional response.

It’s like getting a 1-star review: at least they are taking the time to read and respond, and that’s a win. But even I have boundaries. I’ve blocked a few of the above guys who’ve become abusive, or show their colors right from the start.

Nobody deserves that.

I want your examples, thoughts, opinions, darts, whatever below! And thanks for reading.

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