This is The Reason Trolls Scream Their Obscenities

(Guest post by Will Van Stone, Jr.)

I got trolled. And it was just fantastic.

Now, I’ve had some incredibly stupid comments thrown my way for years; part of the whole writing and releasing it into the cyber world thing I do. But those were nothing to get all yippie about. The trolls of yesterday were one or two diss peeps that were easy to ignore. But recently, I met one of those Master Trolls^TM and had something a non-atheist might compare to a religious experience.

Y’know, freaky and shit.

INNOCENT BEGINNINGS

It all started when I reshared Sex & Sexuality: A Boy’s Primer. The post is about how it’s okay to not be straight and cis and all that (as well as it’s also okay to be straight and cis and blah, blah, blah). I also stressed the point that if you do knock boots, you make sure to pull that sock on. Seems like some good, solid advice, right?

Um.

It seems, according to one rather vocal ex-follower, the only acceptable sex ed-type advice is to demand no teens do the deed. Cause that works, except when it doesn’t, which is a lot Also, always. According to the not-worthy-to-be-named Master Troll^TM,

“bro talk. tell em to keep their pants zipped up. will solve tons of problems for teens.”

(I believe he’s averse to proper grammar.)

To which I, unknowing of where this simple tweet would lead, responded,

“Abstinence education fails. Also, I’m not into telling someone they can’t do something legal.”

Oh, hot damn, did he totes hate me and all my words from that point on. What followed was politically charged (cause somehow left wingers have created all the bad things and I’m still wondering how that happened cause I mentioned zero things related to liberals and conservatives but whatevs) and filled with enough vulgarity to make a sailor blush and one weird tweet comparing teen sex to heroin abuse. That one really confused me, even more than the blame gaming he had going on. Like, how is something legal (I know, there are some age of consent laws that make it technically illegal for two minors to have sex with each other but not everywhere so, yeah) with a not even once kind of drugs?

TROLLS: CONFUSED BY LOGIC

Wait. I think I’m searching for logic where none can survive. And that’s the preferred (really, only) weapon of The Troll. They use yelling and cuss words and personal insults to fight you once your calm rational thought train proves too difficult to derail. They can’t come up with decent arguments so they try (hopefully in vain) to drag you down under their bridge and get super pissed when they fail.

There is no way to win when you’re going head to head with a troll. You might be able to confuse them into shutting up, but there’s a good chance your brain will implode first. I didn’t respond to most of what Master Troll^TM spewed; what he said was pretty much useless and I, honestly, have better things to do than deal with the stupid shit parade. Of course, I was content to leave him to his nonsensical ramblings until the vulgarities got to be too much. I even asked if the language was necessary. He thought it was. So I opted out.

NOT ALL RESPONSES NEED BE VULGAR

Saying fin wasn’t easy; I wanted to use all the foul words but I didn’t have it in me – tough start to the year – and wasn’t about to expend the energy on uselessness. Also, I have under-eighteen followers and chose to watch what I tweet; I don’t want someone not old enough to drive see a profane-filled tirade splashed across their screen.

Also, I don’t want someone else’s mom yelling at me. I have one who can yell all on her own. Too bad they didn’t notice his f-bomb explosions. But, y’know, whatevs.

For Master Trolls^TM, the idea of civil discourse is a foreign concept. The only way they can express themselves is by calling you all sorts of mean, nasty names. And they’re free to – they can even delete the evidence that you (I, duh) have already screen-shot – just as you’re free to ignore them. Please, ignore them ‘cause if they don’t get attention, maybe they’ll get the point and crawl back under the bridge.

But, they won’t. Do you really want an endless war against one of these monosyllabic e-bullies? I mean, if you’re bored or maybe have some pent up frustrations, you might think it’s a good idea to go on a full on, multilingual profane-filled rant, but what good will that get you? You’ll look the fool and the Master Troll^TM will count it as a win. You don’t want that. You’ll feel dirty and used and need to scrub your skin off in the shower.

Also, think of the children (he hopes aren’t “running around fucking each other”). Starve the trolls.

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